


When the World is Falling to Pieces

by oceanatydes



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, genderneutral MC, spoilers for Asra's route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:48:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28249410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceanatydes/pseuds/oceanatydes
Summary: What do you do when you're falling apart and you can barely hold yourself together? When Asra walks in on your most intimate moment of vulnerability?
Relationships: Apprentice/Asra (The Arcana), Asra (The Arcana)/Reader, Asra (The Arcana)/You
Comments: 13
Kudos: 94





	When the World is Falling to Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> TW: implied suicidal ideation, depression, implied trauma and abuse, disassociation, PTSD
> 
> I wrote this when I was very sad. I hope you can get something out of it.

You've always been strong.

When Asra told you that you had died, you took it in your stride. When you had to face the Devil, you didn't hesitate to break those chains. But it stays with you. The memories.

Sometimes you'll be lying in bed and get these horrible flashbacks. Like thousands of beetles crawling on your skin, you feel like you're being eaten alive. Your heart rate picks up, and you feel a steady sickness rise in your stomach. Bile tastes familiar. You wish you could vomit the fear up, but it stays, etched into the furthest reaches of your mind. Running in the very fabric of your skin--the feeling of dying. Of being sick, long before you were physically sick. Of dying of a sickness that no one could see, but it was all you felt.

Asra doesn't know. You don't let them know. They can't know. What would they do if they saw you fall apart the way you did? What would they think?

You can't bear the thought of them looking at you like you're another shattered something to be put back together. Asra has given enough of themself for you to live in this lifetime.

But it happens all the same. Becomes more and more frequent as you become better acquainted with the four walls you grew up in. What it feels like to suffocate within them. Cry within them. Want to die within them.

Part of you is desperate. Seething venom and craving revenge. It runs up your veins, to your mouth. The way you speak to invisible strangers who just won't leave you alone. You bleed bloodlust and violence. Another part of you is so tired. So tired you wish you could close your eyes and never have to deal with any of this again.

Asra walks in on you one day, sobbing on the floor.

You had broken something; it was something trivial, but it felt like you had dropped the world yet again. On the floor, shattered fragments that could never piece back together because it's over. You've ruined it. You ruin everything you touch. The pain crawls up like snakes in your stomach. You were sure that he wasn't going to be back for at least a few more hours, so you let yourself join the glass on the floor.

Except he came back much earlier than anticipated. The moment you realize, you are a gazelle caught in a fox's gaze. You straighten up, swallowing the tightness in your throat until it settles in your stomach.

"Asra. You... why are you here so early?"

He doesn't say anything, just walks over, and gets on his knees next to you. He's careful to watch the broken glass.

"How long?"

"What?" Your voice cracks.

"How long have been feeling like this?"

A rush of tears comes to your eyes. He has always been able to see right through you. This is why you always hid, because you knew the moment he saw you like this, he would understand. Worse, he would love you for the unlovable thing you are.

As you try and find the words, he looks at you. So gentle, and patient and caring. It makes you viscerally uncomfortable. Why would someone care about you when you're like this? _How_ can someone care about you when you're like this?

Asra waits patiently, taking your hand in his. His skin is warm. 

" _Years_." Your rasp, your throat so tight you can barely speak. Like the words don't want to come out. You don't want them to come out. Still, you keep talking. Like a mirage in a desert, you spill everything for an ounce of reprieve.

"I've felt like this for years. I tried to find myself but I just lost myself even more. There are so many things I can stop thinking about, and, and," you take in a shuddering breath. "...The way my body responds—it's like I lose control. I'm not in control, and if I'm not in control, I have nothing. ...I have no one."

The realization hits you, and suddenly you're crying. 

"I have no one." You're distraught. So much so that you can't even see through your tears. The world around you is a blur. 

Asra looks at you, taking your face in his hands.

"You have me. You always have me." Asra goes in and out of focus as you go in and out of reality.

"No. No, I'm not going to subject you to this." You shake your head weakly, speaking with less conviction than you meant to. It's too exhausting putting up a fight anymore. 

Asra's voice is soft, but steadfast. "You're not subjecting me to anything."

"I can't drag you through this, too."

He pulls you into his arms before you can continue. You can feel his heart beating in his chest, steady and consistent. The sound makes your gut twist. He's so rich and full of love--what have you done to deserve such a kindness?

"I love you so much. Your happiness and well-being are so important to me. I would handpick every star in the sky if it meant you could be at peace."

" _Why_ , Asra?"

He looks at you, stunned. 

"What do you mean why?"

"Why do you love me? What did I do to--" Your voice catches. "...to deserve this." 

He laces your fingers together and squeezes tightly. The feeling is an anchor, something to keep you from drifting into another plane of existence entirely.

"I love you because you are kind, so thoughtful, and one of the most brilliant minds I've interacted with. I love you because you always leave people better than you found them. I love you because you always do the right thing, even when it hurts. I love you because you're true to who you are, and don't shy away from even the most intense challenges." He looks like he has thousands more words to say, but he stops at the sight of your expression. 

He runs his thumbs across your cheeks, wiping away your tears, but they just keep coming. 

"I will never be at peace. It doesn't go away. It's just—it's constant. My suffering is constant." The words are like acid on your tongue. It burns, hurts, aches, but you're too used to it to stop.

He pushes your hair out of your face, looking you in the eyes. "You've been through some of the most horrific things anybody could imagine. You're allowed to fall apart. You're allowed to be in pain."

Your lower lip trembles. "I can't put myself back together again."

"It takes time. It takes time, and patience, and pain. It may always hurt, but you won't have to tough it out alone."

He places his hand on your chest, where your heart beats erratically.

"This. _This_ is proof that you are still living and breathing. You are flesh and blood and you are whole. You are a whole being. No matter what you've been through, you will always be the person I've known. The person I love."

Your voice breaks as he gently pulls you into him. You sob against his shoulder, snot getting all over his shirt. Asra presses a kiss to the top of your head.

" _Nothing_ you do or say could ever change that. I am so sorry I couldn't be there for you when you were hurting so much. Let me be there now, my love. Let me comfort you."

He moves away gently, and you stare at him, your face tear-stained and covered with snot. Asra stands, looking at you. You're still slumped amongst the broken pieces of yourself.

"You are not going to face this alone. I'm right here. I love you. All of you."

You cry harder. He leans down, reaching under your arms, and pulling you up from the glass that surrounds you. You stumble into him, and he catches you, holding you tight.

You sob against him, years of pain, shame, and embarrassment coming out all at once. It's like a tsunami--wave after wave hits you, and you just break down. Asra kisses the top of your head, and lets you cry. He lets you wail, and wail, and wail. The sound breaks his heart, but he never once lets you go. You cry until your throat is raw and you can barely breathe.

"It's okay. It's okay. You will be okay." He whispers into your hair.

You shudder, collapsing against him. A massive wave of exhaustion hits you. You can barely keep your eyes open.

"I've got you. You're safe. I'll protect you."

"Don't leave." You choke out.

"I won't. I promise."

Between heavy lids you see Asra cast a spell to clean up the broken pieces. You lean against him, and he sweeps you in his arms, pressing a gentle kiss against your forehead.

When you awake, you're in bed, tucked safely under the covers. Asra is right next to you, snoring softly.

You try and close your eyes but rest doesn't come. The darkness of the room and behind your eyelids--they're the same. 

You fold in on yourself, replaying the events of earlier over and over. The humiliation, the vulnerability, the nakedness--it's too much. Tears roll down your cheeks, hot and thick. You take silent, shuddering breaths through your mouth. You sob silently, until you feel a hand clasp yours.

He calls your name softly, his voice laced with sleep. "What's wrong, my love?"

"Everything."

He nods sadly, and pulls you into his arms. The warmth of his touch and the steady beating of his heart calm you down slightly. Asra murmurs soft, loving words to you until you find yourself too exhausted to fight sleep anymore.

When you wake, he's right there next to you, his hands holding yours. The pain isn't gone, but the tightness in your chest eases. 

He's right here with you.

**Author's Note:**

> Someone loves you. Don't forget that. You're precious cargo. Take care of yourself.


End file.
